love and family

I'm on the plane flying back from Louisiana. It's the first moment that I could write. To say I was nonstop is an understatement. It was such a whirlwind of emotions. Being there feeling my breakup intensely, feeling the issues of my family, the confronting idea of a job that no longer serves me. There was so much going on and at the same time it was an amazing time with my family. When I am with all of my brothers and sisters at the same time it gives me such joy that I want to hold on to it tight and never let go. I always felt this and I especially remember when I was a kid, being the youngest and getting so excited when everyone was coming home for the holidays. I felt completeness. It's nice to know after all these years that I still get the same feeling. It's nice to have the connection.
Today was such a struggle for me. I was super emotional and felt like I was dealing with so many things coming at me. I felt angry, sad, resentful, and completely emotional. I know a lot was driven by pms but it was only bringing up all the things lying below the surface. I have a tendency to go and go and figure I will process it all later. The truth is I'm sad. My relationship of over 3 years is changing and I want it to not be painful. I want her stay in my life and I don't want to feel the separation. I don't want to feel the pain of her not being my person. I know that it’s these moments that make me a stronger person. I want to be present in all of it. I want to talk through it and share my pain. I know there is freedom when you meet something and walk thru it. Today my humanness wants to dodge the pain. My ego wants to have ownership and mind wants to rationalize everything. But my heart, my heart wants to find truth. My heart wants to feel complete in the incompleteness. I want to stay in the truth and the truth is that if I stay in the love and out of the ego then I can have freedom. I am my own experiment.

I’m grateful for my family and the time I had with them. I am grateful for Cecilia and that we can love each other through this. I am grateful that Jeff is sober and here with me.