Dark night of the ego

I was at Agape recently and heard something that really struck a chord in me.

Rev Michael said- It's not the dark night of the soul, it's the dark night of the ego. The soul never has a dark night.

Ooh I really resonated with that, especially since recently I feel like I experienced the dark night- which now makes more sense as coming from ego than my soul.

I felt separate from everything. It lasted a few weeks and felt like a haze of sadness washing over me with moments of sun but mostly darkness.

It's so hard for me to admit that.

I hold my self in a place where being down or sad is not allowed because I am creating a life I love after-all. Wow what a high standard to live up to- no sadness allowed. I think the more I felt that I "shouldn't" be sad the more the sad roots dug into the earth.

So there I was feeling alone, sad and without purpose, Gulp,
"without purpose."
Ouch it hurts writing it and man did it make me want to scramble to fix it all.

My attempts were futile.

It only wore me out and caused more frustration.

I finally stopped fighting. I stopped trying to do what I thought I did best- which is to
create a flurry of activity to make me feel like I was alive and well.

But I was tired. I was sad and the source of sadness was unidentifiable.
And the feeling wouldn't escape me.

So I put everything aside and I mean everything and participated in a 24 hour challenge that only required me to say "You know what I want and You know where it is" as often as possible AND

believe it.

I could do that. I didn't have to do anything except say a phrase and write whatever comes up- well I wasn't so great on the writing part but the saying and believing part- I rocked and guess what it rocked me.

Big things shifted, HUGE actually.

More on that later but for today I am in a better place and I believe it's because I stopped trying to wrestle with the "dark knight."

My ego has everything figured out and I think I started putting stock in that. I am back to my humble beginnings of knowing nothing and I have to say it feels much like freedom.

I still don't feel the drive to push forward which I believe is a good thing. Something big is happening inside me. Something really big and man my ego wants to make that special.

It's my journey and I am ready to be still and not know.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your World

I hit a wall.

I could think of a fancy way to say that, but I won't.

The last week or so has been challenging for me. I literally started painting walls so that I could have "a beginning a middle and an end." Yeah that's my way of saying I need some grounding so I need to do something that has a clear beginning, middle and an end point.

Do you ever feel like that?

Anyway as I was painting the bedroom, I had to remove a picture that has the words
"Change Your Thoughts, Change Your World" As I read the words for the umpteenth time, they stopped me in my tracks. Is this why I was moved to paint so that I could have this moment? 

Here I was reading these words and it was like oooh right YES! right now- what are the thoughts running around your head? My thoughts suck right now. Yep I said it out loud.

Thoughts of defeat, sadness, disconnect - record scratch.

What the heck? 

Yea so clearly, CALYL is what I need for myself right now. But man am I ever hard on myself thinking that I should not fall, should not ever be down, and definitely should never ever lose my way. Ah so crazy, my thinking sometimes and then I just end feeling seperate from everything.

Clearly I do what I do because I need it. Teach what you need to learn, right?

Ok so I outed myself and my need to control even this. Just made myself laugh. 

Lucky for me I have the most amazing people in my life who are here to remind to stop and apply self care, remind me to nurture me and they listen until I listen. I am grateful for all of it even the uncomfortableness as it has brought me to this moment. And in this moment I get access to more compassion and more understanding.

Also wanted to share this awesome 7 minutes from Abraham- it always brings me to the truth of who I am and reminds me that I will never get there. It will always be a process and there is nothing to complete because it is ever expanding and when I can relax into that all is perfectly imperfect.

Going to workout out now and TODAY is going to be a fantastic day. Why? Because I am Creating A Life I love even NOW and especially now. 

Amazing how writing helps. thanks for listening. :)

What are you looking for?

I'm walking along the sidewalk passing an office building and this could be anywhere. Ordinary building on the left and traffic whizzing by on the right and yet when I paused long enough to see the beautiful flower shown above something shifted inside me.

How many times do we unconsciously walk by beautiful things and never take a second glance. Our minds are so busy with our to-do lists and re-hashing yesterdays thoughts that we don't get the opportunity to really see the beauty that surrounds us.

So I just wanted to stop and show you something ordinary that really is extraordinary. 

And guess what?? It's all around you too- right now if you just stopped in your tracks and did a 360 of from where you stand I bet there is something there that you never really really saw- maybe a beautiful face, or a color that jumps out at you or a particular tree. 

There is something there and I hope you take a moment to see it. I hope you take a moment to recognize the power of this moment.

What are you looking for? Maybe start looking for more smiling faces and pretty flowers. Maybe start seeing what is right around you rather than looking for what is wrong.

This is how you Create A Life You Love. 

Sending you all beams of love and light!

Finding the best version of you- The story of Camp CALYL

Are you wondering what's next for you? I often wondered what was next for me and then would just get buried in the day to day routine of life. It's so easy to do isn't it? Get buried. 
I think we all have the capacity to do that well. 

We distract ourselves from what we really want. And I hate to say it but it's usually fear of the unknown or fear of failure that keeps us right where we are.

I created Camp CALYL because I wanted to go outside of the box. 

There's a quote that says 
 "We cannot solve problems at the same level at which we created them." Albert Einstein

I take that to mean a whole bunch of things like; you're life will not change by doing the same thing you have always done and if you want to change then you have to step outside of what you already know. Living inside of a box will never cut it.

I know for myself that change and deep insights have always come from the unexpected. I have learned a lot over the years but the most poignant moments where when I was outside of myself and my 'controlled' thinking. 

I created Camp CALYL as a way to access that which you have forgotten or maybe never have been able to reach- that part of you that wants to feel ALIVE in the greatest sense of the word.

We can sit in a room for hours and I can talk and talk and tell you great stories that give you great insights but to actually provide you with an experience that you walk thru, there is nothing compared to that. Sometimes these experiences might be scary and sometimes they might just remind you of when you were a kid. 

Either way the experience of doing is what fires off synapses in your brain that open new doors and new insights that not only give you a new thought but a new experience to associate that thought with. Those two things combined are what make lasting change.

For me CALYLing is providing experiences like Camp CALYL to help others who may be feeling stuck or not completely fulfilled. 

What's CALYLing like for you? Where do you feel your joy?

I just feel so elated to be where I am now. I am giddy over the idea of creating adventures that inspire you to be the best version of YOU. 

I aim to please so my research is vast and my creative mind is having a blast coming up with the coolest experiences to bring people like you into a JOY filled state where you are lit up with what is possible in your life.

Camp CALYL is about connection, adventure and transformation. 
Is that something you are interested in? 

Check it out if so. Space is limited. www.calyl.net

Abundant Aspirations to CALYL

If I want more
than I must do more, be more, know more -- right?
OR is it ultimately about Accepting more?
I'm gonna go with the latter. 

I must be open, willing and humble and then I can see that I already have it all, I just didn't see it because I was busy being in the lack. I was busy in the wanting.
I get to see that what I was wanting in the first place was just more of me - being me.
What a gift- me just being me. Try it. Give yourself the gift of being you.

Just a thought.


I started blogging about 8 years ago first as Ask Ash and then Abundant Aspirations. Sort of like me and my personality- I was consistently inconsistent. Sometimes writing everyday, sometimes once a month and then sometimes many months might go by.
But the one thing that has always been consistent is that I start with a quote. And today I wrote my own. I am returning to writing at the wonderful consistently inconsistent pace of before. Yay Me.

But today I am different. I guess we are all different. It's the nature of time and space to change and learn and grow from where you were to where you are now.

Today I am 42 years old and on the wave of this amazing year (2015) which has already altered my awareness and given me the great opportunity to expand on ACCEPTANCE like as a treat, a gift and a way to true happiness.
Now don't get me wrong - the great gift of acceptance is not wrapped in a pretty bow and usually you are not so excited to receive it. But after you receive it and ACCEPT it- it brings you gifts that you could have never imagined. 

The beautiful gifts of Acceptance come because you must broaden your sense of self and  realm of experience. It's like you can physically feel it expanding. It's not the best feeling at first but kind of like a muscle you are building, it stretches and expands and with that comes more strength more endurance and best of all more confidence.

So much has happened in the past few months to help me stretch and stretch some more when I thought I couldn't. It didn't kill me and I honestly have to say it made me stronger. It's making me stronger. I'm still in it and such as life will always be in it. 

Just like building that muscle- it is constant. And it's never done. It is forever expanding and unfolding. 
Yes you will be challenged and always always there will be a gift in the challenge and it will bring something that you never thought possible. It will bring you closer to you.

Today I am grateful that I arrived at acceptance.

Creating A Life You Love takes courage...

I am fascinated with the subject of “following your dreams”.

We all have desires. We all have things we want to do in life and you either do it or you don’t, right? I mean- it really is that simple. We could over complicate it- but let’s not.

You either take the trip you always wanted to take or you don’t. You start the business selling your craft or you don’t. You write the book or you don’t. You get my point. You either follow your dream or don’t.

Now you can have all kinds of reasons why you don’t follow your dreams and I think money and time would be at the top of the list. Yes buying a plane ticket to fly to Europe is a real thing and not having the money to do that could appear as a real thing to stop you from your dream.

But you have to back up a bit. You have to rewind to the point at which you have the desire and ask yourself if you are committed to making it happen. Did you hold it as a vision? Did you commit to focusing your energy on it? Did you start making decisions based on this desire and the outcome that you want?

We are quick to find reasons why we can’t do something because we buy into the illusion that circumstances dictate outcome. The truth is that YOU dictate your outcome.

The moment that you feel something strongly and decide you really want it is the same moment that you either choose to commit your whole self to it or not.

Now let me be clear I am talking about deep down dreams that you have longed for - not something you come up with in a whim that is halfheartedly spoken. I know you know what I am talking about. And it’s not the “what” that  is important. 

What is important is your desire to have it and how you follow up on that desire.

If you really want something- You can have it- you just have to recognize that you are in the driver seat. You dictate the outcome by your focus on the desired outcome and your commitment to move towards it. You don’t need to know the exact route. You just have to be willing to show up and say YES I deserve it and I can have it despite my circumstances, despite anything- because I am in aligned to it.

Following your dream becomes a reality when you accept the reality of it- it’s in your hands to foster it and wholeheartedly believe in. Because in the end- anything and everything is possible. It just takes courage to move towards it.

Do it, live it, have it- Create A Life You Love- start now!