It's been an interesting evening of writing and re-discovery. I came across something I wrote July 10, 2008. I thought I would share. It felt good to read. I hope you enjoy.
On the subject of being fixed in life. I have recently been on a vacation in Akumal, Mexico- a little village on the Caribbean side and again I loved it. It brings me peace that I can’t quite grasp in the states. Now I’m not saying that I can’t align myself and find truth in just being here, I can. I know that peace is a state of mind but something happens when you’re in a magical place that expects nothing of you other than your presence. It forces you to strip yourself of all things plastic. At least this is my experience.
So back to being fixed….I have this sense about life and people and when I am free enough in my own head, like on my vacation, I see so clearly how this fixed way of being owns so many of us, self included. Where is the freedom to live? When do we get to be who we have always wanted to be? Do we have to retire first? Do we have to have all of our ducks in a row? What does that look like? I don’t want to mock anyones existence or belittle stability or family life. I just want explore the possibilities of what it would take to feel free in life more than feeling fixed in life. If you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself and gave your soul what it is hungry for, what would that look like? If no one made you wrong for it and you felt nothing but support, what could you do?
In my life, I feel that I have danced between the two worlds of what I am supposed to do and what my heart desires. Today I am in a place of discovery and freedom but who knows what tomorrow holds. That’s the craziness of it all -that we so easily forget and then are subconsciously looking for the thing that will help us remember that we are not fixed beings. We are here to love and explore. So if I can be anything today it will be that I am a reminder to everyone that I come in contact with to “live today from a place of joy and exploration” Life doesn’t have to be difficult. We make it difficult by fighting what is. ( I love analogies so you will hear them often. ) It’s like if you are on a tube and your heading down a river going with the current and suddenly you are struggling to hold on to branches because there is something beautiful that caught your eye and you don’t want to leave it. So you grab and hold tight and meanwhile are being stabbed in the side by branches. You fight and you fight and finally you lose your hold and now you are going down backwards and your tube is spinning and there went and even more beautiful sight but you missed it.
That’s how I see life. We want to hold on to something so tight because we think its the only thing that we will ever have and we get so fixed on it. So we miss opportunities all around us. If we could only trust that it is all in perfect order and that if we could just move along the river and enjoy what is there and know we are exactly where we are supposed to be each moment than maybe devastation in our life would shift and we could learn to cope with what is and know that difficult moments are only as difficult as our inability to let them drift by and know that we are okay. I know it’s a tall order. But really it’s that simple. It just takes practice like anything else.
Today I am grateful for so much. I am living in a different city now surrounded by so much beauty and a tremendous amount of love and support. I feel abundant and so thankful for this place to write even after being silent for so long. I feel ready to continue and I am grateful for the support. Much love, Ashley
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