Dark night of the ego

I was at Agape recently and heard something that really struck a chord in me.

Rev Michael said- It's not the dark night of the soul, it's the dark night of the ego. The soul never has a dark night.

Ooh I really resonated with that, especially since recently I feel like I experienced the dark night- which now makes more sense as coming from ego than my soul.

I felt separate from everything. It lasted a few weeks and felt like a haze of sadness washing over me with moments of sun but mostly darkness.

It's so hard for me to admit that.

I hold my self in a place where being down or sad is not allowed because I am creating a life I love after-all. Wow what a high standard to live up to- no sadness allowed. I think the more I felt that I "shouldn't" be sad the more the sad roots dug into the earth.

So there I was feeling alone, sad and without purpose, Gulp,
"without purpose."
Ouch it hurts writing it and man did it make me want to scramble to fix it all.

My attempts were futile.

It only wore me out and caused more frustration.

I finally stopped fighting. I stopped trying to do what I thought I did best- which is to
create a flurry of activity to make me feel like I was alive and well.

But I was tired. I was sad and the source of sadness was unidentifiable.
And the feeling wouldn't escape me.

So I put everything aside and I mean everything and participated in a 24 hour challenge that only required me to say "You know what I want and You know where it is" as often as possible AND

believe it.

I could do that. I didn't have to do anything except say a phrase and write whatever comes up- well I wasn't so great on the writing part but the saying and believing part- I rocked and guess what it rocked me.

Big things shifted, HUGE actually.

More on that later but for today I am in a better place and I believe it's because I stopped trying to wrestle with the "dark knight."

My ego has everything figured out and I think I started putting stock in that. I am back to my humble beginnings of knowing nothing and I have to say it feels much like freedom.

I still don't feel the drive to push forward which I believe is a good thing. Something big is happening inside me. Something really big and man my ego wants to make that special.

It's my journey and I am ready to be still and not know.